Testimony time.

This is the testimony we have ALL been waiting for, including myself. I haven’t posted about it on social media because for one, I just really wanted to soak up the moment. Also, I haven’t really had many words- just real conversations with God. He is truly a way-maker and a miracle worker. His divine orchestration makes this all the more beautiful. All of the honor and the glory goes to Him.

If you know me personally or if you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know that I’ve dealt with a lot of hurt, a lot of trauma, and a lot of emotional pain. If you haven’t, here’s some backstory: as a child, I forced to grow up pretty quick. I saw and felt things that no child should EVER have to see or feel. I moved around a lot- living with different classmates, teammates, neighbors, you name it. The only thing that was my escape… the only thing that kept me stable was running track. Track and field was my entire life. It opened so many doors for me and has been a vehicle for me to see so many different parts of the world. I was blessed with a full scholarship to run track at a University 3,000 miles away from home. I took a chance and left home and moved into unfamiliar territory. I’ll be honest and say that those were some of the worst years of my life. My mental health was in shambles, the people who were supposed to look after to me and take care of me treated me like shit, and everything just felt as though it was falling apart. My depression and anxiety had reached an all-time high. Even with all of that, I graduated. I graduated from college. I didn’t end up being another statistic. I mean because based on my background, that wasn’t possible right? Well, after college, I still had no idea what to do with myself. For the last three years, beginning on July 5th, 2017, I’ve waited tables at a restaurant. One of the most physically and emotionally taxing experiences. While there are good people in this world, there are also a lot of shitty people, which makes working in the industry so awful at times. But throughout the entirety of it all, I just kept my head down and worked extremely hard. Of course people were clowning me- I’m a grown woman with a college degree arguing with folks about how many ranches come with their wings. But all I could really is put my faith in God and let Him lead the way.

This global pandemic came into play. The world fell into shambles. Lives were lost. Businesses shut down. People lost their only source of income. Everyone was losing their minds. You want to know the crazy thing? That sense of panic and worry and stress and uncertainty was already taking place in my own world. So this wasn’t much of shock for me. This level of crazy was my everyday norm. While this has been such a devastating time, for me personally it allowed for growth to take place. It allowed everything to pause for me so that I could find myself. Life was just so overwhelming to the point where I felt like I was suffocating. But during this time, miracles happened.

I took a chance and applied for a job that on paper, I am not qualified for. I applied for a teaching position. I didn’t go to school for this, I have no certifications, and I honestly do not know what it takes to be an educator… but I took a chance. They took a chance too, and gave me an interview. I didn’t expect anything out of it honestly, I was just hoping for the best. In my interview, instead of convincing them that I could be the very best teacher they’d ever seen, I wow’ed them with my WHY. My why? It’s to inspire others. To help others find their light and to help them be the very best versions of themselves. Helping others find themselves and to witness their growth is what sparks a fire inside of me. That’s because all of my life, that’s all I needed to help me push forward. That one person who kept believing in me even when all hell was breaking loose.

I’ll be honest with you and say that they looked at me with blank faces and not much expression. I figured that the interview was just another thing to add to my long list of failures.

But GOD.

They saw me. They saw my light. They saw potential. They offered me a JOB. A CAREER. Thanks to God, I’ve received an opportunity to boss up and change my life. I am extremely grateful to all of my family and friends who never gave up on me. I am thankful for the Earthly vessels God placed in my life to do his work. Oh and ask me when my start date is? July 5th, 2020. Does that date ring a bell?

While this is a huge milestone, this is just the beginning. Never stop believing. God is still on the throne. ❤

A Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex,

First of all, your mama raised a bitch. For so long, I sat and pondered what I did wrong. Why I wasn’t enough. What about me made you hurt me in infinite ways and not think twice. What about me made you see me as disposable. But as time went on to heal my wounds and my heart, I realized that I was never the problem. You are a sociopath. Notice I didn’t say psychopath. See because psychopaths don’t have a conscious. They have no sense of right and wrong. A sociopath knows that what they are doing is wrong, and they choose to do it anyway. You made the choice to damnear destroy my life and leave me to pick up the pieces. How you treated me had absolutely nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with how you felt about yourself and your sorry ass life. I used to long for closure, for an explanation. But I am at peace now, without it. “Trying to let the time kill all of our memories, all you meant to me, all that history, all that’s history, I’ll calm down eventually”. Those lyrics hit reallllll close to home baby. I don’t need to hear any more of your lies. I don’t need to be exposed to any more of your manipulative tactics. Karma always comes back around, so I’ll just leave it in her hands. I can’t believe I used to stress you, find ways to impress you. Now I could care less for you, fuck, now I just wish the best for you. Just do us both a favor, and stay out of my way.

bjhuxtable

My peace. My smile. My light. My safe place. My everything.

I did a thing.

I didn’t mean to.

But, I did. I fell in love with my best friend. Saying that out loud could complicate things. Saying that out loud could cause life to find out and rip it away from me. But I don’t really care. My love here is greater than my fear of it all going up in flames. The beauty in it all is the divine orchestration… how our paths keep aligning. I’ve been through a lot of terrible, unfortunate, life-altering events in my 23 years. But, had one struggle been different, there is a possibility that we never would have crossed paths. So, I can wholeheartedly say I would go through all of that tenfold if it meant knowing you. Over the years, you have loved me without conditions or limitations as my friend. I’ve appreciated that more than you’ll ever know. As time went on, that appreciation turned into a bit of like. Then the like to love. The thing is, you are not a person who doesn’t understand pain. There is so much depth in relating. Life is not a fairytale that doesn’t know pain. Being able to connect and empathize on that level is rare, but it’s here. How you carry yourself as a man. How loving and giving you are, even when you’re in pain. It truly is admirable. With you I feel safer. You give me hope. You believe in me and my wildest dreams. You protect me. With you, I know that everything is going to be okay, and you’re always there to make sure of it. You are someone that I can always come to with any and everything. You are someone that I trust. You are someone that I will forgive, no matter the situation or the circumstance. I want to celebrate each and every one of your wins. I want to grieve each and every one of your losses. You are someone that I will show up for, no hesitation, no questions asked. You are someone whom I will walk with hand in hand through everything; even the dark and twisty stuff. You are my person. You are my best friend. You are my heart. I trust you with my entire life.

However.

I’m a realist. So I know that there is a possibility that we may never end up together. You may see me as the grim reaper when it comes to love and romance. Life is really unpredictable. My good sis Jada Pinkette once said, “every person that you love isn’t meant to build a life with”. But damn it would be sweet if I got to do life with you. But if not, our friendship will remain…. a love that will not alter.

The Dirt

It’s been awhile. That is due to the fact that life hasn’t been so kind to me, if I am being completely honest. My back has been against the wall, shit has been hitting the fan at speeds of 100 mph, my clothes have been ripped off my back, I suffered major losses, I made mistakes, I bared witness to my own heart being ripped from my chest, and my world completely shattered right before my eyes. So in other words, life has been fucking me up. Straight up. But you want to know something? While the pain I’ve been experiencing has been rather excruciating, I wouldn’t change it for anything. Yes, that is correct. I would not change a thing. The time period of hurt, grit, and struggle molded me in infinite ways. It was the dirt for my seeds. The dirt and the mud felt nasty, they weren’t aesthetically pleasing, and in the midst of it all my vision was impaired. But as I continued to grow through my experiences and the dirt and residue were slowly removed my eyes, I was able to see that all of the dirt and the mud were absolutely necessary for my growth and development. I went from referring to those events at dirt, and started recognizing them as nutrients. I NEEDED it. It forced me into the most uncomfortable position. It wasn’t until I shifted my perspective, began being silent and giving my brain time to be calm, and stopped being the victim, that I realized that it was my growing season. Instead of waiting for the things around me to become more comfortable, I aligned myself with the position I was in. I figured out what that position, what that season was trying to teach me. It was in that moment that I felt a shift in the atmosphere. It was in that moment that I began to gravitate towards joy, towards forgiving myself, towards genuine happiness, towards believing in who I am. I say all of that to say, do not allow your circumstances to define you or “break you”. You are many many things, but broken is not one of them. You do not need fixing. What you need, is to embrace the season that you are in, and understand that there is purpose… even beyond your pain. It took me so long to realize this, and I am so thankful that I did. The dirt is necessary for your life. Keep growing. Keep living. Keep fighting, even if it feels like the odds are stacked against you. Be strong. I love you.

Keep Fighting.

I would like to take the time to be transparent with you. Not because I enjoy exposing my elements or because I want everyone sipping on my tea (because if we’re being honest, mine is pretty hot). It is because I want you and whoever else to know that it is absolutely okay to not be okay. You may not want to talk to people about the shit that goes on inside of your mind because you don’t think they’ll get it. Trust me, I know. It’s literally the story of my life. When you are honest about your feelings, labels are put on you. You know, like, “crazy”, “dramatic”, “attention seeking”, “annoying”, “cry baby”…. the list goes on. The only reason I feel compelled to do this, is because there is someone out there who needs to know they are not alone. Get ready because I’m about to dive deep….. A blog or two ago I mentioned the space of darkness I was in. Honestly? I’m still there. I graduated from college almost two months ago. The day before I graduated, I went to work at my little part time job. I ended up getting home around 2a.m. When I got home, I went into my bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes turned into glass as tears began to stream down my face. You probably think I was crying tears of joy because “I finally made it”, or because in a few hours I would be walking across the stage because the pain and suffering I’d experienced academically the past 4.5 years had come to and end, or because I never imagined I would graduate from college based on my childhood, or because I wasn’t going to end up as another statistic like most people back at home. Well, the answer is no. When I stared myself down in the mirror, I asked myself why I was still here on this Earth. I was no longer looking myself in the face. I was looking deep into my soul for a reason not to just end it all right then and there. I cried because I didn’t have an ounce of hope inside me. What I did have was a bottle of vicodin in my toothpaste drawer with my name written on it… literally and metaphorically. You have to understand, from where I was standing my life was in shambles. I had been working for this one dream I had for the majority of my life. Over the last 3-4 years, it slowly slipped through my fingers. I put my entire identity into that dream. Didn’t know who I was outside of it. Now that it was gone…. I had no idea what was next for me. I wasn’t ready for the unknown. So what did I do? I popped the top and threw a handful in my mouth. Still looking at that scared little girl in the mirror… looking for a reason not to do it. It took me a minute, but after careful consideration I spit them out. It would have been so much easier to just go through with it and be done, but then I remembered all of the people who were rooting for me, who supported me, who genuinely loved and cared about me. I thought about what that decision might do to them. I dropped down to my knees and literally screamed at God. I couldn’t quite understand why I was going through this. Like, why me? When I woke up that morning, I made a decision to mask all of my emotions, at least for that day. So I did….. I continued to do so over the next few weeks. I knew it would be a lot easier to fake a few laughs and smiles than to tell someone I wanted to die. I stayed to myself and began to search for a new hope, a reason to smile, a reason to continue living. I came across a tweet from a well-known football player at my school. It said, “Keep grinding boy, your life can change in one year”. Obviously I’m not a boy, but those ten words spoke volumes to me. I won’t sit here and lie and tell you that I’ve come to the light and found my purpose. However, I did find a reason to keep going. Those words helped me to realize that whatever it is I want out of life is out there, I just have to go after it without fear or placing limitations on myself. Those words literally saved my life. To this day, I am still searching and I am still reaching for all of the endless possibilities out there. It may not be the dream I initially had my heart set on, but I do believe that there are amazing things to come. I am still navigating through all of these emotions and feelings, but the important thing is that I am doing it for me. While it may be comforting to have someone to kiss those scars, sometimes it takes for you to lick your own wounds and pour love into yourself just so you know how strong you really are. Please please please please, do not EVER let someone tell you that depression isn’t real. Do not let anyone convince you that you are crazy because of suicidal thoughts. I am here to say that IT IS OKAY. If you have to sit with it for a day, a week, a month, or several months, you do just that. However, you need to know that there is so much power and magic on the inside of you and the world needs it, therefor you cannot stay in that state. The world needs you. You are precious. You are important. Whatever that dream is that you’ve been holding on so tightly to, don’t let it go. If you just feel like you’re completely lost, I really need you to dig deep inside yourself and find that thing that you are so passionate about, that thing that you cannot stop thinking about. When you figure out what it is, you chase that thing down until it becomes your reality. Good things don’t come to those who wait. Good things come to those who take a chance and go after everything they know they deserve. The most important thing is, do not let your desires steal your joy when things aren’t working out the way you thought it would. I know it’s hard. I know some days will seem like life will never get better. It can and it will. I believe in you. I believe in your power. I believe in your ability. I believe in your unwavering faith. I see you. You just have to keep going. We’re in this together. You are not alone.

A Concept.

Read these next few words over and over again until you are able to thoroughly comprehend them. In this life, you will never be able to do enough, be enough, or say enough to the wrong person/people. It costs zero dollars to be fucking kind. To be respectful is free. Love yourself enough to walk away when you aren’t being loved and respected in the ways you desire. You are not asking for too much, you’re just asking from the wrong people, and if we’re being honest, you shouldn’t even have to ask. Do not conform to the idea that that’s the best you can do, and that you don’t deserve better; it is not and you absolutely do. Actions speak volumes. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated with words. Stop dimming your light for others because deep down they cannot handle your shine. A lot of us do a terrible job when it comes to taking care of our own hearts and our own beings. You deserve to receive the amount of love and respect that you give. If someone does not want to gravitate towards that, then what are you all really doing? Do yourself a favor and stop making excuses for said people and justifying their actions. It is time to focus on yourself. Honestly, imagine what could happen if you devoted the rest of this year to loving yourself more…putting yourself first….figuring out who you really are. Nurture you. Care for you. Love you. Life is too short to spend your time trying to convince someone to do right by you.

The Apology.

These past few months, I have been in a space of darkness. The people who are closest to me, who see or talk to me just about everyday don’t even realize it because I do such a spectacular job of masking it. I kind of do this thing where I will make people laugh to distract myself and them from what is actually going on within me. I’ve reached a point now where the fake laughing and the fake smiling has become exhausting and quite honestly, I do not have many more smiles or giggles left in me. I am not sure what hurts worse: the fact that I’ve sat with this darkness for so long to the point that it is breaking me down, or that no one can see past this facade. I am here today to be honest, with myself. I’ve given myself time to sit in silence and do some self-inventory. The conclusion that I’ve come to, is that a lot of the hurt and the pain that I have endured is in fact due to what I allow. It is the toxic people that I invite into my space, the people that I choose to put my trust in, the people whom I allow to treat me a certain way. I can point fingers all day long at the people who have hurt me, to the men who have taken advantage of me, to the friends who have lied to me and betrayed me, to the people who have made me feel less than a person/less than a woman. I can count up all of the apologies that so many people owe me and talk about why I haven’t healed because of those words that will probably never leave their lips, but the naked truth is that none of that will ever compare to the apologies that I owe myself.  For not knowing my worth, for allowing others to place value on me, for accepting the bare minimum, for allowing people to speak negativity over my life and my circumstances and actually believing them, for hanging on to toxic friendships/ relationships/ situationships. For not loving myself enough to speak up and say no. I owe me an apology. Many, many apologies. So self, I am truly sorry for not giving you the love, and the care, and the maintenance that you so deeply deserve. I am sorry for not realizing the incredible woman that you are, and for not recognizing the magic that God placed on the inside of you. I am sorry for allowing you to sit and fester in darkness and not try to reach out for help. I am sorry for treating you like a poorly managed hotel where you allow anyone to check in. They come in, dump their shit, and then they check out leaving you to clean up the space they were in. Please know that will no longer be tolerated. You are on an invite only basis because there is a standard. You are a queen. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I choose me.