Keep Fighting.

I would like to take the time to be transparent with you. Not because I enjoy exposing my elements or because I want everyone sipping on my tea (because if we’re being honest, mine is pretty hot). It is because I want you and whoever else to know that it is absolutely okay to not be okay. You may not want to talk to people about the shit that goes on inside of your mind because you don’t think they’ll get it. Trust me, I know. It’s literally the story of my life. When you are honest about your feelings, labels are put on you. You know, like, “crazy”, “dramatic”, “attention seeking”, “annoying”, “cry baby”…. the list goes on. The only reason I feel compelled to do this, is because there is someone out there who needs to know they are not alone. Get ready because I’m about to dive deep….. A blog or two ago I mentioned the space of darkness I was in. Honestly? I’m still there. I graduated from college almost two months ago. The day before I graduated, I went to work at my little part time job. I ended up getting home around 2a.m. When I got home, I went into my bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes turned into glass as tears began to stream down my face. You probably think I was crying tears of joy because “I finally made it”, or because in a few hours I would be walking across the stage because the pain and suffering I’d experienced academically the past 4.5 years had come to and end, or because I never imagined I would graduate from college based on my childhood, or because I wasn’t going to end up as another statistic like most people back at home. Well, the answer is no. When I stared myself down in the mirror, I asked myself why I was still here on this Earth. I was no longer looking myself in the face. I was looking deep into my soul for a reason not to just end it all right then and there. I cried because I didn’t have an ounce of hope inside me. What I did have was a bottle of vicodin in my toothpaste drawer with my name written on it… literally and metaphorically. You have to understand, from where I was standing my life was in shambles. I had been working for this one dream I had for the majority of my life. Over the last 3-4 years, it slowly slipped through my fingers. I put my entire identity into that dream. Didn’t know who I was outside of it. Now that it was gone…. I had no idea what was next for me. I wasn’t ready for the unknown. So what did I do? I popped the top and threw a handful in my mouth. Still looking at that scared little girl in the mirror… looking for a reason not to do it. It took me a minute, but after careful consideration I spit them out. It would have been so much easier to just go through with it and be done, but then I remembered all of the people who were rooting for me, who supported me, who genuinely loved and cared about me. I thought about what that decision might do to them. I dropped down to my knees and literally screamed at God. I couldn’t quite understand why I was going through this. Like, why me? When I woke up that morning, I made a decision to mask all of my emotions, at least for that day. So I did….. I continued to do so over the next few weeks. I knew it would be a lot easier to fake a few laughs and smiles than to tell someone I wanted to die. I stayed to myself and began to search for a new hope, a reason to smile, a reason to continue living. I came across a tweet from a well-known football player at my school. It said, “Keep grinding boy, your life can change in one year”. Obviously I’m not a boy, but those ten words spoke volumes to me. I won’t sit here and lie and tell you that I’ve come to the light and found my purpose. However, I did find a reason to keep going. Those words helped me to realize that whatever it is I want out of life is out there, I just have to go after it without fear or placing limitations on myself. Those words literally saved my life. To this day, I am still searching and I am still reaching for all of the endless possibilities out there. It may not be the dream I initially had my heart set on, but I do believe that there are amazing things to come. I am still navigating through all of these emotions and feelings, but the important thing is that I am doing it for me. While it may be comforting to have someone to kiss those scars, sometimes it takes for you to lick your own wounds and pour love into yourself just so you know how strong you really are. Please please please please, do not EVER let someone tell you that depression isn’t real. Do not let anyone convince you that you are crazy because of suicidal thoughts. I am here to say that IT IS OKAY. If you have to sit with it for a day, a week, a month, or several months, you do just that. However, you need to know that there is so much power and magic on the inside of you and the world needs it, therefor you cannot stay in that state. The world needs you. You are precious. You are important. Whatever that dream is that you’ve been holding on so tightly to, don’t let it go. If you just feel like you’re completely lost, I really need you to dig deep inside yourself and find that thing that you are so passionate about, that thing that you cannot stop thinking about. When you figure out what it is, you chase that thing down until it becomes your reality. Good things don’t come to those who wait. Good things come to those who take a chance and go after everything they know they deserve. The most important thing is, do not let your desires steal your joy when things aren’t working out the way you thought it would. I know it’s hard. I know some days will seem like life will never get better. It can and it will. I believe in you. I believe in your power. I believe in your ability. I believe in your unwavering faith. I see you. You just have to keep going. We’re in this together. You are not alone.